Hello,

I am just trying to find information on Japanese parenting styles. I have a wild three-year-old daughter and I am just trying to find out how those Japanese preschoolers are so well behaved. Can anyone tell me a website or book I can read, or do you have any personal knowledge to share? Any information would be appreciated! Thanks. :)

Nicole

I remember that I have read somewhere (don't know where) that Asian babies and children cry less than Western babies. It seems to be to some extent in the genes.

Not sure I would agree with either of the previous two postings..sorry. My children are half/half and my eldest son looks the most Japanese yet he screamed for ever and a day!! Perhaps he got my temper.

I am also surprised that Nicole thinks Japanese children are well behaved. My overall view is that they are spoilt rotten until they start elementary school and allowed to get away with murder because 'they are only little'. I have been punched on numerous occasions by one of the children from my yongest sons kindergarten class. His mother just laughs and says 'oh he does have excess energy'; my own children would never dream of doing such a thing to another child ( sometimes to one another but they are siblings....)let alone an adult.

My middle son is always getting in to trouble for making my neighbours 5 year old cry, when he was only trying to stop him running in to the road or all over the farmers freshly ploughed fields.This child crys at the drop of a hat and thumps/kicks anyone who is within reach. He is a complete cry baby and is old enough to know better but still his mother maintains he is still little.Why is it my 5 year old knows he shouldn't do it ?? After yet another insident yesturday I have now told my son to let the child do as he likes, right or wrong as he is not his responsibility but I know my son will find that hard as he is very kind and caring.

I have three boys and everyone says to me, oh it must be hard!Yes there are days when I could pull my hair out but on the whole they are well behaved have impeccable manners and yet enjoy being children. I learnt long ago that the old saying "give an inch they will take a mile" is very true.If you say you are going to do something, as in take their favourite toy away for the afternoon as punishment you must carry it through or they will rule you and the house.

Good luck...unfortunalty children don't come with a text book; parenting is about trial and error and I have made some terrible ones along the way but I am very proud of how my three have turned out so far!!

Helen

Hello,

I am just trying to find information on Japanese parenting styles. I have a wild three-year-old daughter and I am just trying to find out how those Japanese preschoolers are so well behaved. Can anyone tell me a website or book I can read, or do you have any personal knowledge to share? Any information would be appreciated! Thanks. :)

Nicole

hi nicole i am a babysitter and i handle gaijin kids and japanese i think japanese kids are most difficult than gaijin kids.

Hi Nicole,

I am a mom of a 5 year old daughter who goes to a public japanese kindegarten. I am also good friends with the other mothers in my daughter's school, sometimes we get together and let our kids play, my observation is that when the kids starts to argue or fight and somebody cries, the mother will just say that's ok for we can't help it for kids to argue once in a while. They won't even tell their kids to stop, but I always tell my daughter to be nice to them and not to hurt anyone, and my daughter doesn't like fighting so she is a good friend everyone even in her school. I guess you have nothing to worry about for kids will learn to interact on their own way no matter how we discipline them.

Hi Nicole,

Teach yr child the montessori method of teaching,let all know how it works.

Nicole, what do you mean by wild? Is she super energetic, or aggressive, or defiant?

I'm trying to think of how to describe my daughter. I don't think she is wild in the aggressive sense, but she is at times really determined to get her way and defiant of my authority.

She has been described by one of her yochien teachers as headstrong but now she has reportedly become more flexible in her dealings with other kids.

In any case, I've sometimes broached the subject with other Japanese moms and they always looked at me like I was coming from another planet, replying that their kid was never like that.

I don't think many Japanese mothers readily admit that their child is wild, and so they never discuss it.

Having said that, I've never noticed a Japanese mom fail to reprimend their child for misbehaving. Of course, the repremending is SO much nicer than mine... (I'm more like Lois in Malcolm in the middle!)

I think it depends which Japanese children you are basing your comparison on. I often see young children (aged 3/4/5) walking quietly along with their smartly dressed mothers, still looking perfectly clean, neat, socks pulled up, not a hair out of place, and with the pleats still in their private kindergarten uniforms AT THE END OF THE SCHOOL DAY. I have no idea how they do it - most children I know are covered in sand or paint or at least look a little the worse for wear at the end of a day at kindergarten. But looking at their mothers, who are also perfectly groomed in skirts and stockings, I guess a lot is to do with intensive training from an early age (there are cram schools to prepare your 2-year-old for that kind of kindergarten).

Normal Japanese children can be as wild or as well-behaved as children anywhere else. Having had children at two different hoikuen (daycare), one yochien (kindergarten), and a predominantly Japanese international school, I can say that there will always be at least one Japanese child with "behaviour problems" in each class.

At the moment my daughter sometimes comes home from hoikuen and tells me "Today XXX-kun didn't bite anyone." XXX-kun is a three-year-old Japanese boy, and most days he does bite or hit someone. I've known Japanese girls like that too.

When my son was a 2-year-old going to Japanese playgroups, he often refused to sit down at circle time and would be racing round the outside trying to get to the toys we had just put away. His two-year-old Japanese best friend would be doing exactly the same thing. Five years later, he has calmed down and is (apparently) very well-behaved and co-operative at school.

Rather than trying to copy the more formal Japanese parenting styles which might produce perfectly behaved kindergarteners but which probably wouldn't fit in with your general outlook or your daughter's personality, why not find some information on Western parenting tactics for dealing with tantrums, defiance or whatever "wild" behaviour you are worried about. You can find loads of material on this kind of thing on websites like www.parentcenter.com, or if you browse through Amazon.com, there are literally hundreds of parenting books - read the reviews, and see what approaches sound most appropriate for you.

But if "wild" just means active and exuberant rather than sitting quietly drawing pictures all the time (or when everyone else is), then that is probably just a personality issue. Active three year olds often calm down over time, but personally I don't think trying to squash the exuberance out of them is a good idea.

Hi, just want to join this interesting and yet very practical topic.

About how to handle the kids, it depends what your standard is and what your expectation is. I myself usually give them some time allowance for not behaving, ie. ask them to stop those wicked action in a nice way with explanations. Failing in stoppping them, I will let them know that I will "explode" after counting "123". It usually works with my bigger girl who is now 4. I once demonstrated to her how I "explode" and I asked her if she wanted to see me explode again. She of course said no. Since then, she knows my limit and I don't really need to get to the explode margin at all in the past 6 months before she listens to me. However, when I talked with a new friend (german mommy) about this, she disapproved. She said she doesn't want her kids see her explode and she is afraid they will copy her behaviour. However, for me, I think it's very reasonable for a human being (mommy is a human being, right) to have a bottomline. If this bottomline is set with a reasonable time allowance, it's fair enough. It also does good to the kids to let them know everyone has a bottomline and they shouldn't push others to their limit.

Obviously the german mommy doesn't agree with me. She continues her extraordinary soft way and yet continues to complain how difficult her kids are.

I am not sure which way is the best to deal with kids and hope more discussions can help.

Wendy, when I read your posting it made me laugh because I was brought up that way, it worked so I used the same method with my children. I don't have to use it very often these days and when I do I usually only have to get to 2, seeing me explode once proved to my children that I am indeed human and have feelings too. If it works for your family then it shouldn't really matter whether others approve or not, your the one that lives with your children.

I would like to add that after venting earlier today, sorry the timing of this posting hit on a sore subject for me this morning. I have had time to reflect and eat humble pie.

I did indeed look up the suggestion made to follow the montissori method of parenting, one is never too old to learn something new. I found that this link gave me a lot of detail www.azma.org/handbook/DISCIPLINE.html Don't be put off by the word discipline it outlines the psycology of how children think and learn and although I already use much of what is suggested (not knowing it had a fancy name)there is still much more I can do. Perhaps you can get a manual for children after all !!
Please keep the ideas coming.

Children's behavior is related to age so its good to be informed about age-
appropriate behavior. Often seemingly troublesome behavior is quite normal for a particular age due to various developmental milestones. There well known guidelines regarding age-appropriate behavior that help a parent weather the difficult stages and there are many effective kind and gentle methods for dealing with difficult behavior that falls outside the norm. Its good to try them all until you find the method that works for you. The following author of several parenting books maintains a site with good advice for parents. She encourages interaction and is always looking for new ideas about behavior. http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/content/solutions.htm

Another good author is Barbara Coloroso. Her book 'kids are worth it - giving your child the give of inner discipline'. http://www.kidsareworthit.com/books.html

Also Open Arms conducts regular training workshops on Parent Effectiveness. They have been quite successfull so book early if you see them posted. To find out when the next one is contact: Mary Tadokoro at openarmsjapan[at]hotmail.com, Pam Noda pamnoda[at]wta.att.ne.jp or 0422-49-6404
Hope this helps. anne

Hi Nicole,

Having raised a Japanese child in Japan for 14 years, I have the impression that the majority of Japanese parents think that Japanese preschoolers are one of the worst-behaving kids in the world.

But if you are simply hoping to learn how to control your child while living in Japan, any parent is free to contact and visit the local hokenjo (public health center), and professionals can give you tons of tips free of charge (I still go to the hokenjo sometimes!). Here in Yokohama, we have free interpreting service, and I'm sure there is something similar in your district as well.

Good luck!

Wow what a wonderful response! I suppose my question is really generalized. I have just heard that Japanese kids are well-behaved or more so than Western children and I was just curious as to why. My daughter is 'wild' in the same way that a puppy is. She knows what she should do, but it doesn't stop her from jumping off the furniture and hitting her baby sister. People have politely called her a 'firecracker', lol. She has a loud voice, is very smart and very stubborn. I don't want to change her personality, but I was interested in something I heard about the Suzuki violin method. I have heard that it is based on Japanese parenting style which is less about discipline and more about practicing behaviors, and I wondered if somehow Japenese moms did something different.

Thanks again! I will look into Montessori too. :)

Nicole

Hi, I agreed with Sunshine about the Montessori method and hope you can tell us more and if it works with your daughter after your try it. When I considered which division of the international school for my bigger daughter (montessor and normal ECE), I found that the Montessori way is trying to train the kids of their independence and emphasis discipline (which doesn't mean punishment). The kids in this division are comparatively quiet and work things on their own. However, considering my daughter's character, I still put her into the ECE division as she likes group activities and really enjoy interactions with others (no matter kids or adults). But I am still wondering if I should put her back to the montessori division as she sounds really over talkative now :)

Another point I agreed very much with Anne is about the age behaviour. At the age 3, my bigger girl refused to get change when going out, ie. she just dragged along for over half an hour before I can change her. But about a few months later, she didn't have the problem again. So it just takes time and patience.

A book I think is very good, "New Toddler Taming" by Dr Christopher Green. Sometimes the kid's action is not that wicked but it's the mommy who got stuck over the point. This book tells you try to get over these.

Let's keep our fingers crossed !

Hi Nicole,

If that's what you're talking about, I can say that there definitely is, or at least was, a difference between Japanese "schooling" and say American schooling. I've lived and attended publich elementary schools in both countries in my own childhood (sorry that I can't speak for other non-Japanese countries).

Traditionally, education in Japan, especially for younger children, honor behavior. At least when I was young, most adults used to think that the "basics" of education is to sit straight, not move around, and speak in keigo (respectful terms) to the teacher. In preschool, keigo is not expected, but still a "proper" behavior is to sit straight, dress neatly etc.

I wounldn't be so sure if you call this "less about discipline and more about practicing behaviors". But I think that people here tend to think that discipline (and other important things like focusing on your work and good health) comes from good behaviors.

Another thing is the difference in custom. Say in the U.S., it is not rude to cross your legs, cross your arms, or stand/sit slanted in class. In Japan, these are considered as bad or at least casual manners and are not appreciated in the presense of important people like your teacher or seniors.

I know nothing about the Suzuki method, but in any sort of lesson held in Japan, be it violin or abacus, the basics was usually to be well-behaved before you start picking up any instrument.

However, whether this education is successfully practiced today or not is another story. I guess it was about a decade ago when the media started to talk about "gakkyu hokai" (collapse of the classrooms). For some reason, well-experienced teachers are no longer able to control the many children who cannot keep focused in the classroom and would walk around or even leave the class for no reason. Teachers today tend to care less about behavior and more about communication.

Back to the topic, apart from school, nasty kids always existed in Japan. Even 30 years ago, we'd often see kids who would cry out loud in the middle of the supermarket begging for sweets or toys. I knew a fellow Japanese kid who moved to the U.S. and still lay flat on the market floor waving his arms and shouting, and it was so embarassing since no American would do that. At least not back then.