i am a foreign wife married to a japanese man for 12 plus years. i have worked for the majority of the marriage contributing financially. my husband is trying to bully me out of the house. i have nothing in writing to prove my contributions. i have a child which my husband says he may keep. i find myself in a divorce under the roof. my only solution at the moment is to stay in the house save money and try and negotiate for money and my child

i have been living in this situation for several years now do you have any suggestions as to how i might deal with this situation. thank you to all who contribute.

Here is a FAQ sheet put out by the USA Embassy on divorce and family court in Japan:

http://usembassy.state.gov/tokyo/wwwh7117.html

Here is a brief discussion about marriage and divorce in Japan which might be interesting:
http://pub26.ezboard.com/frealdiscussionboardfrm16.showMessage?topicID=8.topic

Here is a court judgement in a case where a Japanese man married in Germany left Germany and was divorced in absentia by his German wife in Germany apparently after only one year of marriage. The divorce was found invalid by the Japanese court. (You have to ask yourself what exactly does this Japanese man hope to gain? Apparently he wants to maintain the possibility of gaining custody of a daughter.)

http://courtdomino2.courts.go.jp/promjudg.nsf/ffc82a0a5fb61e504925648f00352937/a7309868d18de5fa49256a49003185cb?OpenDocument

If you have worked for the majority of the marriage then you probably have had your income filed in a tax return somehow, which would constitute a form of proof. Secondly, do you wish to stay in Japan? If so make sure you have your permanent residency (which is independent of your marriage). It is easier to get it before you get divorced. Also remember that it has been known for Japanese spouses to successfully forge their foreign spouses signatures on divorce papers (I also know of one American wife who "borrowed" her husband's hanko (official signature seal) in order to get an abortion, after he raped her. The ward office has no way of checking foreign "signatures".

The single most important thing is having your mother-in-law on your side. This goes for everyone out there who is married even if the marriage is currently thriving. That mother-in-law has a lot of power over her son. As a foreigner you don't have any rights. Even as a Japanese woman your level of power in a disagreement is determined by your family of origin. Only if the husband and his family is not interested in the child, can you hope to keep the child and get a visa to stay in Japan (if you neglected to get PR status at first opportunity).

If your mother-in-law is dead, then your husband doesn't have anyone to raise the child which means he probably won't try to take it from you. On the other hand, there will also be no pressure on him to act decently and pay a child allowance to you after the divorce. As for keeping a house (if there is one), again it helps if you have a mother-in-law on your side. The key is to understand just exactly what your husband wants or doesn't want. Many women have given up economic support in order to keep their children. Once you are a single mother you can apply for some support from the government depending on how low your income is (if you have a valid visa).

If you can't come to terms in direct negotiation with your husband, then it goes to arbitration and you will, as a foreigner and as a woman, get the short end of the stick unless your husband is a convicted criminal or something (even then if he has family that wants you out of the picture you may still get the short end of the stick).

How old is the child? If your child is still very young and there are no women in the man's family willing to take care of it, your chances of keeping custody are better. If your child is older (say over 7 or 8) then the child belongs to the male lineage in a custody battle. If you have a foreign passport for the child that is valid, then you can make a run for it. There are no reciprocity laws between the USA and Japan for example and most Japanese men don't know how to pursue custody in American courts. Besides they don't necessarily want the kid, but sometimes use the threats as a way to get the mother to leave once and for all. (As of July 2001 the USA embassy requires the signature of both parents for a passport application. This is to help prevent child abductions. If you are already divorced they may not know about. They may not even know that you are/were married. But if your child carries a Japanese name it will be obvious.)

Staying in the house may or may not be a good strategy depending on what your other strategies are, whether or not you or/and your child are suffering physical abuse, what the status of the ownership of the house is and again your relationship to your mother-in-law.

There is a very little solid material on this available, but I suggest putting a similar post up after joining the Field of Mugi English site for Working Moms. They are backed by the Japanese site of the same name and there are some concerned and caring women in that network which are more in tune with what is happening within Japanese marriages. Their link is on the Links page of this site.

Example of what a Japanese spouse has been able to inflict on a spouse that he/she didn't like anymore for one reason or another.

A Japanese wife calls her foreign husband's place of employment and explains that they are divorced and he has moved out. He suddenly is "fired". It is a small company and there is no useful recourse as a foreigner, that might be resolved before his visa runs out (he never bothered to do the paperwork for PR status).

The problem is always when there are children. Usually the estranged foreigner has no problem picking up the pieces either here or in his/her home country if no children are involved. There is a lot of pathological behavior in Japan (just like anywhere else?) There is an endless stream of reports of Japanese women and men threatening suicide, attacking with knives, screaming, ranting, sending harrassing faxes to places of work, etc. in failed relationships. There are also cases of Japanese mother abusing their children to get the spouse to agree to one thing or another. I heard of one woman that managed to file a police report that her husband had abused her after he grabbed her to stop her from beating one of their kids any harder.

There are foreigners also engaged in behaviors of this sort. In a situation where the police have no proof either way, they will believe the Japanese person.

Hi Judy,
Sorry to hear of your situation and I have no legal info, but if your not already in a group and need someone to listen and share with, please contact me, as I run MarriedinJapan, a support group for foreign women in Japan.
All the best
Tracy

thank you very much for your replies betty and tracy. in answer to your questions-
i have permanent residence. my child is a boy he is 8 years old. there are two other grandchildren but he is the only child with the family name. i have some income tax returns but only for a few years of my working life. my mother inlaw is fairly old and would not like to look after my son there is a sister in law but she has two grown children and would not wish to rear another. i have been unable to negotiate with my husband so far. it seems he is only prepared to fight me in court and my gut feeling is that i cannot succeed in a japanese court.
my husband is an alcoholic and sends mixed signals sometimes saying i can go sometimes saying i cannot have my son.

I have given my husband cash in the past for house deposit - it is in his name - furniture, cars, holidays, etc. the mother in law is not totally averse to me. i took a translater with me to see them last summer to explain my situation, but i really don't know how to proceed from here. i have been to a few lawyers to talk to them but can find no real way to proceed.
i have stayed in the house so far because i felt i was safer until i could see how to move.
thank you for you information. i come to an internet cafe to check this so i may not come back to you regularly
best wishes judy

Judy-
The information given by the others is great and valuable, but I would like to urge you to get in touch with a counselor and/or Tracy's group for individual help.

If you click on Tracy's name above her message, you can send her a message (if you haven't already).

May I suggest calling Tokyo English Lifeline (TELL). Their number is 03-5774-0992
Daily 9-4, 7-11.

Their site can be found at:
http://www.telljp.com/

There is also Japan Helpline at
http://www.jhelp.com/en/jhlp.htm

Either of these should be able to lead you to one-on-one legal help in cinfidence. I'm sure Tracy's group can help, too in this way.

Best regards-
Scott

This is likely late for the original poster, but I would like to suggest the Children's Rights Network website as a resource for anyone else in this situation who reads this.

http://www.crnjapan.com

There are few good solutions, but at least this site will fill you in on reality and provide information on many related questions you may have. There is also a mailing list for discussion.

I would like to ask if any US citizens living in Japan have gone through a divorce with their US-citizen spouse? I have yet to find advice on lawyers, proceedures, and case histories, especially as relates to issues of child custody and/or financial responsibilities.

Thanks so much!